How to cook the perfect turkey

Ironically, cooking a giant turkey is a lot easier than cooking almost anything else.  But the fear of a Clark Griswold style experience is real.  All too real.  The trick is to do the math right on figuring out how long to cook it {here it is (pounds x 15) / 60 } and then keeping it basted.  Which does mean you have to be in the kitchen while it's cooking - figure baste it once every 45 minutes - or every time you refill your cocktail.  Which ever comes first.